Testimonies of healing are a central part of Christian Science practice. Mary Baker Eddy wrote of the importance of healing and testimonies of healing to Christian Science: “Testimony in regard to the healing of the sick is highly important. More than a mere rehearsal of blessings, it scales the pinnacle of praise and illustrates the demonstration of Christ, ‘who healeth all thy diseases’ (Psalm 103:3).” (Manual of The Mother Church, Article VIII, Section 24, p. 47) Testimonies are published in the Church periodicals, and Wednesday Testimony Meetings are held weekly in all branch churches.
For laughs, some who grew up in Christian Science would make up fake testimonies to give at meetings, and some turned this idea into a game. The following ‘Christian Science Antimonies’ come from a variation of one such game. The rules of the game are simple: you must give as credible sounding a testimony as possible that uses three random words given to the ‘testifier’ by another player. In one of our ex-Christian Scientist Facebook groups, I turned this game into a thread, and we called these testimony mad-libs ‘Antimonies’. I started it off with three random words, and the first person who gave an ‘antimony’ chose the next three random words, and so on–sometimes we got more than one antimony on a set of words. Because of the way this worked in an on-line thread, we added a new idea: for bonus points, you could make up a testimony using six words. For ease of following the game, I’ve underlined the required words as they appear in each ‘antimony’. Here are some of the results…
Chicken, cake, flypaper
My chicken choked on the flypaper while I was eating cake. While gazing at the flypaper, I heard my chicken in distress. I dropped my cake and ran outside while knowing the Truth about my chicken. There was nothing wrong. It was an illusion. And I knew the Truth. No harm could come to my chicken. God was protecting my chicken! I joyfully came back inside to finish my cake. Some of it ended up on the flypaper. It was still delicious, thanks to my knowledge that all error is an illusion.
——————–
I was out feeding the chickens one day when I noticed flypaper. Can that be a paper airplane? Because I’ve never heard of that word otherwise. So I noticed this fancy paper airplane fly up above me. I couldn’t help but notice it since it wasn’t an ordinary paper airplane. So I ran after it so that by the time I could catch it when it landed, I could get a better look at it. While I was running after it, the chickens started wandering off, so I panicked. One got stuck in an area of tall grass and couldn’t get out. I was able to get the other chickens back into their coop though. Ok so this calls for a healing. In God’s world nothing ever gets stuck where it shouldn’t. In fact all things are truly free. Only mortal mind would have us believe God’s creatures could ever be stuck in tall grass. So I heard some rustling and noticed that this chicken broke free!! Wow!! Now this was a real healing! Now this calls for some cake! All healings should be rewarded with cake!!
Building, toilet paper, sock
I was at a meeting in a downtown office building, and I was suddenly and inexplicably stricken with a belief of explosive diarrhea. I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could, and I sat down and started my business. As the waves of sweet relief swept over me, I looked over and realized, to my horror, there was no toilet paper! Panic swept over me, and the moment seemed ruined. Thankfully, I calmed myself and turned to the infinite Divine Mind for guidance, as I have been taught in Christian Science, and a still, small voice said, “use your sock!” So I did, and everything turned out well–except for the fact that I only had one sock to wear for the rest of the day. I’m so grateful for Christian Science and how it gets me out of tight, and messy, situations.
Colander, zombie, zipper
I was embarrassed once, after I broke my zipper trying to go to the bathroom during an apocalypse. In my shame, I found a colander to cover my head. Divine power must have given me guidance that day as it kept the zombies from eating my brain.
Paramecium, Gollum, Republican
Thank you for the readings from the desk. As a young man, against my parents wishes, I passed up Principia College and enrolled in a regular college. In my biology classes they taught us about the paramecium, and it started me asking crazy questions about germ theory and evolution and whether Science and Health was all a load of bollocks.
When I went home on winter break my family watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and since I’ve been brainwashed in Christian Science from birth, it seemed to me that Gollum’s struggle mirrored my own. I talked to my parents about these thoughts, and my father quoted from Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary… Baker… Eddy where she says, “when your father tells you to go to Prin College you should damn well take your happy ass to Prin College.”
So the next quarter I transferred schools, and I graduated and became a partner in my dad’s firm, and have been very careful not to think for myself ever again, which is also why I am a Republican. I’m very grateful for Christian Science.
Bungee cord, hedgehog, sandwich
I found out that in my local area, a bungee cord jumping expert was coming into town to teach how to do some bungee jumping. At first I was terrified! But then I tuned to Divine Science and realized that dangers don’t exist, and that I would be protected by God’s love. So knowing I’d be protected, I couldn’t wait to go bungee jumping. So, I wet for the plunge!! Something went wrong along the way, and I was stuck upside down. Crap!! I thought. What am I supposed to do now? I’m at least 100 feet from the ground! But then I remembered that we only get stuck in situations if our thoughts aren’t lined up correctly! So I reminded myself that all is perfect in God’s world and that He is everywhere, and He never traps us anywhere.
So it was right then and there that I was pulled back up. And when I finally got back on top of the building, I noticed that a child had created a small leash for his pet hedgehog. How cute was that?? It was just the right moment that God decided that my thoughts were perfectly lined up that He thought it would be the perfect time to free me to see this adorable hedgehog! I also realized I was hungry, and lo and behold, there was sandwich shop that came up on top of the building just as I came back up from the bungee cord. Boy does it pay to have my thoughts lined up! I was no longer stuck in mid air, I got to see a cute hedgehog, and there was a new wonderful sandwich shop right there waiting for me! Boy am I ever grateful for Christian Science and Divine Truth!
Flat tire, puppy, mailbox
I was on my way to work one day last week when I realized I had a flat tire. I was in a really bad part of town and became quite fearful. I sat in my car and prayed the Scientific Statement of Being. About five minutes later, a young man approached the car with a pit bull puppy under his arm and offered to change the tire for me. I thanked him, but declined. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head, and I knew it was the STILL SMALL VOICE of God telling me to call AAA. Within minutes a really lovely gentleman came out and changed my tire. I felt truly blessed!
As I began my journey to work once again, I began waving goodbye to the crowd of curious people who had gathered around my car, and found myself losing my grip on the steering wheel, but God put me on the right path again. I did hit a mailbox before I gained control of the car again, but I knew that there could be no discord in God’s kingdom. The man with the pit bull puppy began chasing me and throwing bottles at my car (I think it was his mailbox), but I knew that I was safe, clad in the panoply of Love and that this young man was also God’s perfect child. I am SOOOO grateful for Christian Science!
Sweet, morning, carpet
One morning, I awoke at 4:00 am to do my daily Bible Lesson study. As I sat down at my desk, I noticed a stain in the carpet. I tried to ignore this illusion of imperfection and focus on my study. Sweet Jesus! Error would just not leave me alone that morning. I felt inspired to clean the stain in the carpet and overcome this illusion of imperfection.
While furiously at this task, as time was becoming short before the rest of my material morning responsibilities, like bathing and feeding my children before school, I seemed to bump my head against the corner of my desk. The scalp appeared to bleed very quickly, hindering my efforts. I realized that I had allowed error to interrupt my study and further continue to interrupt me. I never should have acknowledged that imperfection in the carpet. I continued to study while preventing any more Error from dripping onto my lesson books. Error kept trying to interrupt me by telling me to tend to my children’s material needs. Well, I have prayed for my children to know the Truth, too, so they can be inspired to figure out how to bathe and feed themselves and get to school. They must have, because I don’t remember doing it! I awoke afterwards, exhausted by my very intense study, feeling at peace. I very delicately removed the pages of my lesson books and notes that appeared to be stuck to my head. I am grateful for this opportunity to be reminded daily to ignore the illusion of imperfection, as my lesson books appeared to be damaged.
Kangaroos, screaming children, noose
On a recent trip to Australia, we stopped to see the kangaroos. We noticed that they were tied together and the rope had slipped, forming a noose. There were screaming children everywhere. They were so concerned for the kangaroos. I called on Divine Mind and knew at once that the illusion of choking was not based on Principle. In a matter of seconds, the rope slipped away and calm was restored.
Tigers, refrigerator, molasses, marijuana, exercise ball, speaker
This is a bonus-points, six-word mad-lib.
I’d like to relate an experience I had while I was on a tiger safari in India. On our first night in-country, we stayed in a small, rustic motel. The refrigerator in the room was loud and annoying, and the smell of my neighbour’s marijuana smoking was starting to have a deleterious effect on me. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I really began to see a purple unicorn standing on a giant exercise ball, dancing to the Bee-Gees blaring from the speakers in the nightclub across the street.
I began to feel overcome with panic and anger. I thought about throat-punching my neighbour, and shooting the unicorn, but then I realized that all creatures, including pot-smokers and unicorns are divine, perfect ideas of God, and suddenly my anxiety abated, and I realized that the reason the fridge was so loud in the first place was that someone had spilled molasses in the compressor, and all I needed to do was simply unplug it. I’m so grateful for Christian Science and how it has taught me to love my fellow man, and unicorns.
Tigers, refrigerator, molasses, sweet, morning, carpet
This is a bonus-points six-word mad-lib.
God is ever present; all in all. This was made divinely clear to me one morning as I removed some pictures that were attached by magnets to my refrigerator. I was reflecting on a demonstration of supply I’d had on a recent safari. I had always wanted to see tigers and elephants. As I sat on my carpet with a cup of tea made sweet with molasses, I saw with grateful certainty how understanding the Principle of Divine Mind provides for us, always. Love is reflected in Love.
Emerging Gently 