Boundaries

I hear a lot of talk about boundaries these days–especially on-line. It has become one of the latest buzzwords, but it is an important subject. One of my favourite Reddit sub-reddits is called AITA (Am I The Asshole?). It is filled with stories of people having their boundaries violated, as well as some coming on to seek redemption when they violate someone else’s boundaries. A story in the summer of 2023 that floated across the flotsam of my Facebook newsfeed, involving actor Jonah Hill and his former girlfriend Sarah Brady, a professional surfer and model, caught my attention and brought to the fore for me the whole idea of how some people weaponize legitimate psychological terms, in this case, boundaries.

Celebrity news is generally of minimal interest to me, but this case raised an issue that is relevant to all of us: what are healthy boundaries? In the case of Hill and Brady, according to the news accounts I read, Hill twisted and weaponized the idea of “boundaries” in such a way as to use it to exert control over Brady and dictate what she could and could not do with her life and career. As a course of her career as a professional surfer and model, Brady models swimwear and she works with people of all genders. Hill had a problem with what he saw as provocative images of her in the public domain of her Instagram feed, even though this was part of her professional life. He sought to have her curate her publicly-shared images and persona in a way that better suited his liking by framing it as an issue of her violating his boundaries by having what he felt were objectionable pictures of herself on her own Instagram feed. At least, this is how it appears to me as presented in the media accounts I read. There’s more to the story, but this is what is pertinent to my discussion here. The Hill and Brady story is a perfect illustration of unhealthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries…

Healthy boundaries are one of the most important things anybody can maintain. However, it can be a challenge for many, and for varying reasons. As I’ve discussed in recent posts, I came to realize that my upbringing in Christian Science and the lack of validation of any sort of pain or suffering I experienced, translated into a situation where I compromised my own good for the acceptance of others. I realized I was a “people pleaser”, and I failed to put my own interests first on the occasions where I needed to, which ended up in a mental health crisis for me. Due to the fact that my physical pain and medical needs as a young child were not validated and met, it subtly ingrained in me the idea that my own well-being was of a lower level of importance. On a subconscious level, I was not acknowledging that there was even anything wrong, when clearly there was.

So, what are healthy boundaries?

“A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others.” ¹

There is no simple cookie-cutter answer to that question. One good thought on this subject that I have seen is that it is defining what you need to be healthy and secure, when you need it, and creating tools to protect those parts of yourself. Boundaries are limits you identify for yourself, and which you enforce through action or communication. “Healthy boundaries define what is appropriate behaviour in our relationships – behaviour that keeps both parties safe.”¹

Truly healthy boundaries will protect and empower you. They are the gatekeepers of what you will and will not allow into your life. They are “limits you apply for yourself and apply through action or communication.”² However, there are times when enforcing those boundaries will not be easy, and will require courage that some of us (like myself) find difficult to muster. Even with my recent insights and experiences (see this post), I still find it difficult to stand up for myself, or to deliver news that will result in someone being disappointed in me, which is something I recently had to do. It was hard, but once I got it done, I felt relieved. But, I was doing what was right and beneficial for me and my family, and I cannot control another person’s reactions.

One article I read talked about “hard” (non-negotiable) boundaries, and “soft” boundaries–which tend to be more like wishes, but are things you are willing to compromise on. What is a hard or soft boundary is up to the individual, of course. Examples of hard boundaries I have are around my personal time and space. I do not let work encroach into either unless it is pre-arranged, or an unavoidable emergency. If I am not on the clock, I am not at work, and I am not available for communication. Also, my personal cell phone is NEVER available for work purposes for any reason. If my job requires me to be reachable when I am away from my desk, my employer can ante-up for a business cell phone. I enforce those boundaries, and they are respected.

Unhealthy ways…

As much as it is important to know what healthy boundaries are, it is important to know what behaviours are unhealthy. Going back to my example of the case of Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady, there was one party that was weaponizing the idea of boundaries in order to exert control over somebody else, and that is not only unhealthy, it is abusive.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is not about controlling someone else, it is about controlling what you will permit into your life. If I continue with the scenario of the Hill and Brady case, if Jonah Hill was truly uncomfortable with his partner modelling revealing clothing and other such activities that were related to her work, what he should have done was to either find a way to accept what she was doing, or just leave the relationship if he couldn’t. If he did not want that activity in his life, he needed to find a partner who did something else for work. My guess is that he was jealous, and therefore wanted to exert control over her. Hill was not setting personal boundaries, he was exerting boundaries around someone else and that, my friends, is abusive behaviour.

As I have discovered in my own experience, it is extremely unhealthy to either not set any boundaries, or to consistently compromise your boundaries. For example, I used to let work encroach often into my personal time. I had a lot on my plate in a previous job, and would often put in long hours to get reports done or other things I got behind on because during the day, I would not enforce boundaries around my accessibility around the office during business hours. When I was single, I did not have a partner waiting for me at home to spend time together. When my relationship status changed, I had to set boundaries. She insisted on it, not only for her own desires in the relationship, but for my own well-being. My partner saw what I didn’t see: someone who was burning out. Setting boundaries after so many years of not doing it was not easy. When I finally did hit the wall with my mental health, counselling helped me to realize why I have so often, throughout my life, let people and circumstances walk all over my boundaries.

Concluding thoughts…

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries has given me back control of my life. I have learned to have a healthy work/life balance. I have turned down job offers where I clearly saw that I would not be able to maintain that balance, and that is something “old me” would have never done. I have also resigned from a job I only had for a few weeks when I received another offer that was far better for me both career-wise and financially. “Old me” may not have done that.

My background in Christian Science is a large part of why I have had difficulty in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. This is a common theme with many former Christian Scientists. It stems, for most of us, on childhoods where basic and important needs went unmet, thereby wiring our young brains to put our own needs aside, to treat them as secondary, and to view anything less than perfect as failure.

I’m not going to sit here and say it’s easy to make change in one’s life, and to break old engrained habits. The hard conversations I’ve had to have, and the tough emails I’ve had to write have welled up geysers of anxiety each time. I still worry too much about what others will think of me. But, thanks to counselling, I recognize the source of this anxiety and concern, and I push through it, and the more you do, it does start to become a bit easier (at least for me) when you focus on the prize that awaits you on the other side. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries has given me control of my life, and has given me my personal space. You can’t control how someone else will react or feel when you lay down a boundary, or stand up for what’s best for you and your family, so at the end of the day, why worry so much about it? Sometimes, they will not take it well, and you need to be ready for that, and to accept that. But, at the end of the day, what matters the most is you and your family or loved ones.

I recommend the two articles I have referenced for information in this post, and which are footnoted here. They are both fairly quick reads, and good primers on the subject of healthy boundaries. I found them through a simple Google search. There are a lot of other good sources of information out there too. Also, please do not take this post as a comprehensive or properly clinical discussion of what is an important mental health issue. I am 100% an amateur who is musing from my own perspective, and adding in some cursory research into a couple of valid resources to offer a brief introduction to the topic. The only thing I will claim to be an expert on is my own personal experience.

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Footnotes:

¹ Nash, Jo PhD. “How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships.” PositivePsychology.com. PositivePsychology.com B.V. 5 January 2018. Web. 30 December 2023.

² Sanok, Joe. “A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries.” Harvard Business Review: Ascend. Harvard Business Publishing. 14 April 2022. Web. 30 December 2023.