You don’t have to be perfect (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t)

If there is one thing that Christian Science theology drills into its adherents and those unfortunate enough to be raised by its adherents, it is the relentless pursuit of “spiritual perfection” as a so-called “reflection of God”. It is impossible to be fully and completely perfect, completely lacking any measurable flaws. However, Christian Science teaches that in some sort of “spiritual reality” we are all perfect, as so-called “reflections of God”; we just need to somehow “see” or “realize” this. None of what I have just said here should be new to anyone who has been a regular reader here, or who knows anything about Christian Science.

This meme inspired this post. It came across my Facebook newsfeed recently, and it’s a riff on the old phrase: “Dance like nobody is watching; sing like nobody is listening.” While being worried about “not being good enough” is a common thing with most people, when I looked at the message in this meme, right away, I went to my background in Christian Science, and how the toxic teachings around perfection take it all to a completely different level. 

Everybody is self-conscious and has self-doubts on some level. I am deathly afraid of public speaking, even though my career has, at times, required it of me. You will never see me get up and sing in front of an audience. I am afraid of making a fool of myself. Yet on the other side of the coin, I keep this public blog in which I have shared some deeply personal experiences. However, when you look at the drive to be perfect, and the fear of appearing imperfect, which is a somewhat universal one, I do feel that my background in Christian Science has magnified this otherwise normal human trait to an unhealthy level.

To this day, my biggest anxiety at work is of failing or not measuring up, that somehow they’re all going to discover that I’m a total fraud, that the emperor has no clothes. Even though I am surrounded by supportive colleagues at work who are always saying to each other, “you can only do what you can do…”, and who commend the work I am doing, I still fear not “measuring up”. Of course, everybody has this fear to some degree, but it is something that has dogged me in a larger way for most of my life.

When I worked at The Mother Church, there was an underlying expectation of perfection. I was early in my career life when I started working there, and I made a few stumbles. Stern reprimands rather than constructive criticism and support were usually the result. If you made a mistake, no matter how large or small, you were often made to feel like a child who had just been naughty. Nobody is perfect, but in the Christian Science worldview, everybody should be perfect, for that is supposedly how we supposedly are in some “spiritual sense”, and if you don’t express perfection, you are a failure. I remember many conversations with my parents, when we’d be talking about how work was going (they were quite proud of their son who was working in Boston at The Mother Church), I’d mention to them how absolutely intolerant they were at The Mother Church about any sort of mistakes or missteps. I had a colleague who was a middle manager who was so afraid of screwing something up that it seemed like they were scared of their own shadow. All of this had a profound effect on me going forward, and I developed the same tendencies.

Fast forward after ten years, I left The Mother Church and Boston, and returned home to Canada. Concurrently, I also left Christian Science. I took a year off after my parents’ deaths. I travelled, regrouped, and underwent some career coaching to figure out what I wanted to do next. Eventually, I took a new job at an Indigenous-run frontline social services organization. The difference in attitude was like night and day. The expectation there was to always do your best and learn from your mistakes. One of the most important teachings I remember from an Elder was that every step I took, every single thing I did, whether it was good or bad, success or failure, brought me to where I am now, and is a part of me–a part of who I am. For me, that meant that my imperfections had validity, my mistakes had valid purpose. They were a part of who I was. I found that if I owned my mistakes, forgiveness was often forthcoming. Now, if I willfully screwed up, failed in a catastrophic way, made the same mistakes over and over, or acted unethically, I would have been justifiably reprimanded or fired. I remember the Executive Director, whom I reported to, saying once, “we all mess up sometimes, we’re only human!” There, in one statement, was the vast difference between the two workplaces. I don’t know if she ever knew how profound that simple phrase was to me.

Now, I find myself in a new job, at a different organization, in a community I have recently moved to. I have been welcomed with open arms, and told by more than one member of the governing council that I am a valuable part of making their community stronger. The phrase, “you can only do what you can do,” is one that I hear often in my workplace. The expectation is that we all work hard to the best of our abilities when we’re at work, but of equal importance is to look after ourselves. I’ve had it drilled into me from the start that self-care is important. You can’t do your job if your cup is only half full or empty. So, we all leave on time at the end of the day unless there is a particularly extenuating circumstance. Then, they are strict about us tracking that extra time we stay, and taking the comp time off. 

So, have my anxieties magically gone away? No. But, I recognize where they come from. I know that what I need to do is go forward each day, work hard, and do my best. Be honest, own everything (mistakes and triumphs), and learn from what doesn’t go right. Not everything will go 100% right all the time. Perfection is impossible; you’re never going to attain it. All you can do is your best. As we all say at the office, “you can only do what you can do.” Some friends of mine who are university students will often say, “C-s get degrees”. Sure, A-s are better, but sometimes a C is good enough for today. Each day, I know more than I did the day before. So, go ahead and take up painting or writing, or whatever you feel like you want to do. You don’t have to be good at it, just enjoy it.