Where are my damn car keys?

Sweet mother of Jesus! I have been healed of writer’s block! While it may not seem that I have this affliction, since I write posts in advance and only post every other week, my output of late has slowed somewhat, and I don’t have quite as many posts in the queue as I normally do. However, thanks to our lard and saviour, I have found inspiration for a post!


Image credit: No Honor In Gods Or Religion (Facebook page).

Anyone who has attended a few Christian Science Wednesday Testimony Meetings has undoubtedly heard some version of the very classic “I lost my car keys (or some other everyday item)” testimony. It usually follows a similar course: man/woman has an important errand, can’t find car keys; man/woman frantically searches everywhere for car keys, can’t find them anywhere; man/woman get’s calm, reads some nice passage in the Bible or (as usual with Christian Scientists) more likely Science and Health; man/woman miraculously is directed to look one more time, perhaps where they looked before, perhaps another place, and lo and behold…CAR KEYS! Yay! The world is saved!

Of course, it was (Jesus, Mary Baker Eddy, God) who found the keys, or in some cases maybe moved them to a place you’d look. No, it had nothing to do with the simple fact that calming down and thinking things through rationally usually leads one to look in the right places, or see something that might have previously gone overlooked. The notion that some Jewish carpenter who died 2,000+ years ago (if he even existed) found your car keys seems, well…stupid. If Jesus or God were all they’re made out to be, why would either of them give a rat’s ass about car keys? Forget about people being starved or raped, forget about people dying of cancer–I’m just so damn grateful I found my keys!

This is the kind of stuff so many Christian Scientists get so excited about. It’s some sort of miraculous demonstration of the healing power of Christian Science. Maybe Christian Science does help–if it calms the mind and allows some sort of rational thought in, then it did help find the keys; but sorry folks, I don’t think there’s anything supernatural going on. The keys were always where they were…just like everything else that gets lost. You just forgot where they were.

3 thoughts on “Where are my damn car keys?

  1. Whether it’s God, or M.B.E., or ‘ol J.C., I’ve never really, for instance, understood the idea of a football team asking for God’s blessing…With, literally, millions (or billions?) of solar systems in the universe (and definitely billions) of suns, planets, etc., why would the entity that purportedly created it give two hoots about whether your football team wins or not. It’s just so inane. When I hear different sports athletes claiming that, because they won, “God was with us”, I really feel so insulted.

    I think the person saying it must suffer some form of arrested development…

  2. Finding car keys, demonstrations of “supply”, keeping secrets to avoid mental malpractice….Christian Science bs that kept me paralyzed. Humorous now, actually.

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