Former Christian Scientists and relationships: we left together (4 of 4)

This is the fourth and final post in a series of posts that address the data and stories I’ve collected in my survey of former Christian Scientists and their experiences in long-term relationships.

We met at Principia Upper School. My partner attended Principia College briefly while I was still at the US [Upper School]. After we left Principia, we both separately started moving away from CS [Christian Science], then later got together (we had dated on and off while at Principia).¹
~Survey respondent

My interest in the topic of former Christian Scientists and relationships came from an angle I found to be interesting: those who were both Christian Scientists when they met, and left Christian Science while they were together, in a relationship. Most people I’ve observed among the ex-Christian Scientist crowd, are either with partners who never were Christian Scientists, or their partners left Christian Science before they met. I’ve found it to be less common, on the whole, where people left Christian Science while they were together in a relationship.

Out of 64 respondents, eight were with partners who had been Christian Scientists, and of those eight, four (6%) left Christian Science while they and their partner(s) were still together in a relationship. A common theme that came out in responses was that while they were both in a relationship, their journeys out of Christian Science happened somewhat separately. In some cases, one person left before the other, and both remained supportive of the other. In others, they drifted away on their own, at the same time, but largely unbeknownst to each other. That was the case with a friend of mine whose story is what piqued my interest in this topic. She shared it with me.

Jen² and her husband Alan² met while they were in college. They were both Christian Scientists when they met, both having been raised in it. Alan’s pedigree ran deep, with several generations of his family steeped in Christian Science, while Jen was raised by converts to the faith. They have two children together, and it is the birth of their first that started their journey out of Christian Science in earnest.

The big nudge…

With many former Christian Scientists, there is one singular, often traumatic event that, if it doesn’t send you straight out of Christian Science immediately, it gives you a big nudge that kick-starts your process of leaving. I had my own such experience, so did Jen and Alan.

For some, that singular event is what flips the switch–they walk away and never look back. However for most of us, that single traumatic event is what just gets the process started. You stay in for a little while longer, trying to make it work, and your final departure happens later, gradually, over time–in some cases it takes a few to several years. When you are programmed to think a certain way all of your life, it’s hard to let it go–even in the face of something traumatic. It’s your comfort zone and you don’t want to leave, even though you know, deep down, that it is completely false. 

For Jen and Alan, there had been a few red flags over the years (as is the case with many who ultimately leave), but Christian Science had gaslit them, brushed their concerns aside, and made promises. It is hard to see red flags when you are wearing rose-coloured glasses. 

It was life-threatening complications during Jen’s first pregnancy that began to really wake them up to the dangers of a total reliance on Christian Science for healthcare, and how false the promises of Christian Science are. It started when Jen’s midwife informed her that she needed to go to the emergency room right away, due to high blood pressure. As would any Christian Scientist, Jen was completely “freaked out”. She got a charge-up of stereotypical platitudes from a Christian Science practitioner, then launched forth into the scary deep end of what Christian Scientists call materia-medica or material medicine.

Until that time, Jen had only ever been to a doctor a handful of times. Jen and Alan had planned a natural birth at home, but life had other plans. Jen ended up having an emergency c-section after several days of failed induction and interventions. She spent a week in the hospital, and the baby, born prematurely, spent weeks in the NICU. Jen was wracked with guilt, and several nurses admonished her for not seeking medical attention earlier, and for not having a primary care physician or an OBGYN. 

Before they were allowed to take their child home, Alan and Jen were required to see a pediatrician and set up follow-up appointments for both Jen and the child. They were sent home with prescriptions for pain medications and other things.

I was once one of the masses that used religion as an opiate. Having dealt with post-operation pain, I far prefer opiates, responsibly administered in responsible quantities for a limited duration, to religion.
~Jen

Conventional pain management is unknown in Christian Science, and taking pills is a completely foreign concept to most Christian Scientists, so Jen regularly experienced severe pain that no amount of prayer in Christian Science could relieve. Most Christian Scientists will never even reach for an aspirin. A feeling of guilt was compounded by well-meaning Christian Science family members suggesting she forgo pain medication for fear it would get into her breast milk and harm the baby. Being good Christian Scientists, praying about the pain from major abdominal surgery seemed clearly the way, but in the end, it was not the right way.

Drifting away…

While most people might think that a traumatic experience like Jen’s would immediately make one pack it all up and leave Christian Science, that is not always the case. I have seen the relationship between religion and believers aptly compared to that of an abusive relationship, and that is the best way I have seen it described. You become so indoctrinated in it, you become too afraid to leave. It’s all you’ve known, and the tenets and culture of the faith make you believe that you will experience greater harm if you leave than if you stay. It is your safe place, your “security blanket”.

It is one thing for an adult to make choices, either good or bad, regarding their own healthcare, but it is quite another when you are dealing with a child who is completely dependent on you for every necessity of life, including proper and effective care when they’re sick or injured. Jen and Alan’s eyes were beginning to be opened.

Fortunately, Jen and Alan had a wonderful and helpful pediatrician that they were working with. According to Jen, it was much easier to call the pediatrician for advice and support than it was to try to pray about issues that came up. While she said that it was stressful, she also found comfort in the fact that she wasn’t personally responsible for correcting her thought.

CS [Christian Science] may work for some people, but not for me.
~Jen

Jen and Alan tried to make things work, praying with Christian Science and going to church, whilst also working with a pediatrician and raising a child. But eventually, praying about physical issues in Christian Science began to drop away. As most who have spent any time in Christian Science will well know, Christian Scientists have had drilled into them that man can not serve two masters³, and Jen rapidly found herself on “team modern medicine”, as it was actually helpful, even if she kept a few toes still in the Christian Science pond. 

Trying to explain Christian Science to young children was difficult at best. Even with a solid background with years of Sunday School, Jen and Alan struggled with how to talk about it with their children. 

Over time, Jen realized that Christian Science wasn’t working and made no sense; it was, in fact, toxic; and that it is a cult. Without realizing it, Jen and Alan were both leaving Christian Science. In a sleep-deprived moment, sometime after the birth of their second child, Jen had her “ah-hah” moment and realized that she no longer believed in God, and she told Alan. He said, “yeah, I don’t think I do either.” Somewhat separately, and unknown to each other, they had both been drifting away from Christian Science, and now they were both done with it.

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
~Author unknown

This subsequently led Jen on a path of philosophical exploration of, “what do I believe now?”, and an exploration of various religious and philosophical topics, as well as an exploration of on-line resources. While Alan is more private about his journey, he has been supportive of Jen’s efforts and explorations, and now they move ever farther away from Christian Science openly and together.

____________________

Notes:

¹ Principia School and Principia College are a school (pre-school to Grade 12) and college for Christian Scientists. The College is located in Elsah, Illinois; and the School is located in Town and Country, Missouri (both near St. Louis, Missouri). Both have admitted a limited number of non-Christian Scientists since 2019. Learn more by visiting their website.

² The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

³ “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. …” (Matthew 6: 24-25 – King James Version). This quote from the Bible is echoed in Mary Baker Eddy’s book, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures: “Material beliefs must be expelled to make room for understanding. We cannot serve both God and mammon at the same time…” (p. 346: 29-31 – emphasis is mine). Christian Scientists interpret these statements as strong admonitions to not “mix” Christian Science treatment and medical care. The belief is that they will somehow counteract each other, so a person must choose one or the other, which is a deeply frightening choice for lifelong Christian Scientists to make, as most have had a deep fear of medical care drilled into them from an early age. This is why many Christian Science practitioners will stop “care” for patients who choose to seek medical care, and why Christian Scientists who do seek medical care are often shunned by their Christian Scientist peers.