I will always be with you–even if you don’t want me anymore

When I took Class instruction in Christian Science several years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to find among my classmates on the first day a friend I knew from a Christian Science summer camp and from Principia College. We had lost contact in the intervening years, so it was nice to reconnect and to know that we’d be attending Association together each year as well.

Some years after Class*, I remember one year when she wasn’t at Association*, and later became aware that she had left Christian Science. I talked about it with my Teacher*, and he expressed some regret and doubt about his personal judgment in admitting her into Class in the first place. While that’s understandable, in his position I would have probably had the same thoughts, it was a conversation I had with a fellow classmate that has really stuck with me. He said to me, “she may have left Christian Science, but it didn’t leave her.” At the time, as one who was still deep into Christian Science, this gave me comfort. Now, that thought disturbs and angers me.

As I think on it now, what angers me is that Christian Science will never completely leave me, my friend, or any of us who’ve had the misfortune of being in contact with it, and I dearly wish it would. While we’ve been connected via Facebook for a number of years (that initial re-connection is how I confirmed that she had in fact left Christian Science), we never really communicated much until she joined a group of former Christian Scientists on Facebook of which I am also a member. I now know her departure story and post-Christian Science path, and she mine, as one of our group conventions is to share our departure stories if we so choose. While our post-Christian Science paths are divergent (she is Christian), we share the commonality of our Christian Science experience, and a mutual respect for each other’s paths.

I wonder about some of the conversations among my classmates and Teacher at my Association meeting as I write this post on the weekend of my annual Association meeting–a weekend that now passes for me as any other regular weekend does, except for my usual momentary memory of what I used to do that weekend. As far as I know, my friend and I are the only members of our particular class year who have left Christian Science. At the last Association meeting I attended, all of my classmates were there except my friend. As far as I knew, of all of my Teacher’s students, my friend was the only one (except for one other who took a one year break) to depart until I did.

My Teacher had high regard for my apparent grasp of and dedication to Christian Science. My Dad was also a favourite student of his, and I think my Teacher cast me in somewhat the same light. I say this based directly on conversations I had over the years with my Teacher, and pronouncements he made to me regarding my papers I wrote each year for Association. I’ll be honest, many times when I wrote those papers, especially in the last few years I attended Association, I felt like I was at largely writing pure bullshit. I wanted to believe what I was writing, but deep down I didn’t. Much of the time, I was writing what I knew my Teacher and fellow students wanted to hear on the topic. I’m frighteningly good at that. I realize now that my doubts were what was true, not what I was writing. I have long since shredded the hard copies of those and all other Class/Association-related materials, and deleted the pertinent files from my computers. Ironically, I and a fellow ex-Christian Scientist blogger have noted that we both find ourselves now studying Christian Science and related materials more as ex-Christian Scientist writers than we ever did as Christian Scientists.

I wonder if they, like so many other Christian Scientists when they think on those of us who’ve departed, feel that we’re under the pernicious influence of “mortal mind” and pray that the veil will be miraculously lifted from our eyes. Or, if my classmate has also said of me that while I have left Christian Science, it has not and will not leave me. Ugh! That thought just sickens me to no end. Unfortunately, my classmate is probably right; Christian Science will stick with me like a bad rash. While that pronouncement gave me comfort at one time, it doesn’t now.


* Please see ‘Christian Science Grammar’ in my Glossary of Terms page for an explanation of my capitalization of some words.


6 thoughts on “I will always be with you–even if you don’t want me anymore

  1. It is funny to me that CS made such a bugaboo about RC and yet CS is very similar to RC with Mrs. Eddy as Pope emeritus. I was raised catholic and left it in the 70’s for cs thinking I had found nirvana. Fools rush in …. I do think cs is a form of nihilism.

    • Interesting about your definition of CS as a form of nihilism. Just to get my own clear frame of reference, I looked nihilism up on Wikipedia, and there is a form known as “metaphysical nihilism” (perhaps you had this in mind), but here’s a nice little nugget from that definition that resonated with me: “Metaphysical nihilism is the philosophical theory that there might be no objects at all—that is, that there is a possible world where there are no objects at all—or at least that there might be no concrete objects at all—so that even if every possible world contains some objects, there is at least one that contains only abstract objects.” The definition goes on and is quite interesting vis a vis CS. I have taken to calling CS one of the most refined forms of delusional thinking there is. I agree, fools do rush in. I’m glad we’ve had the good sense to rush out.

      • thanks for your reply.
        As soon as I left cs church/organization than I immediately went back to sex, cigarettes and light drinking just to try to normalize myself after being in the throes of this cult! Years later I had a difficult time quitting smoking so I went to a hypnotist in Brookline MA called the mad Russian and for 55.00 he cured me of smoking within the 45 minute meeting now over 17 years ago.

    • My history parallels yours. I was raised RC, and entered CS in my twenties. The sense of absolutes is in both faiths. Emotionally, I still live in CS,but don’t attend its services.

      • I think there are a number of folks who live in CS such as you do, but have nothing to do with “church”. In the area where I live, for instance, the only branch churches that exist within a 100 mile radius are two very small, struggling societies, with probably a dozen members each, if that many. The population in this general area is about 200,000. I’ve been given to believe that in the past, there were somewhat more than a few dozen subscribers to CS periodicals in this area.

      • You know, I was 14 when I saw CS on t.v. Coming from a troubled home, where two family members were critically ill,,it,sounded like a happy and safe place to be. Grandmotherly women testifying that CS is true, just added to my trust. When,things were bad at home, I used to go,to the,reading room for the kindness of the ladies who ran the place. Nothing,but kindness and motherly attention was,shown,to,me. My mother,was in,the midst of receiving shock treatments,when,they were brand new, and her results were imperfect, to put it mildly.
        Now that I am almost 70, I can see what an emotional sitting duck I was. I joined shortly afterward. More later, as this,makes,me,feel,sad,and,stupid all over again.

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