Many a person who has spent any time marinating in the Christian Science Krazy Sauce will have heard the statement I use as the title for this post many, many times at Wednesday Testimony Meetings in Christian Science churches. In one of the ex-Christian Scientist Facebook groups I’m in, we’ve had a few funny riffs off that statement, with one person wondering how a ‘desk’ can read anything anyway, or how one could thank a ‘desk’, or how readings come from a ‘desk’. Christian Scientists are an odd lot indeed. If it seems odd enough to those of us who’ve been in Christian Science, it must look exceptionally weird to a complete outsider. Christian Scientists are very good at thanking (often profusely) Mary Baker Eddy, Christian Science, or both for almost anything good that happens in their lives. I’ve even heard both get credit for nice weather. Of course, matter, error, and “mortal mind” all get credit if the weather sucks. Occasionally, God and Jesus get an honourable mention in the gratitudes, but I’ll be honest, as I remember things, not as much as the venerable Mrs. Eddy and her “discovery” (Christian Science). Eddy rules the roost.
I’d like to take this opportunity on my own behalf to give thanks (tongue firmly planted in cheek) to Mary Baker Eddy and to Christian Science for some things in my life. First, I’d like to thank Christian Science for killing my parents in the most painful ways possible. I’d also like to thank Christian Science for not healing my little brother of the cerebral palsy that afflicted him for his entire life. That failure dashed the hopes a little boy had of someday being able to talk and play with his little brother, despite the promises Christian Science made that it could make that possible. For those dashed hopes of childhood, I am exceptionally grateful. Oh, and thanks be to Mrs. Eddy and Christian Science for the bouts of untreated pneumonia and bronchitis I suffered painfully from in first and second grade–after all, that suffering could have been alleviated quickly by antibiotics, had my parents seen through the fog and had the good sense to take me to a doctor, but what of my mental state that supposedly caused those illnesses that wouldn’t have been corrected had I not suffered? There are so many things I’d like to give thanks to Christian Science for they’re too numerous to list here. And, I can honestly say that Christian Science is solely responsible for all of these nice unpleasant things. So, in closing, I am so grateful for Mrs. Eddy and Christian Science that I wish for the day they are consigned to the dustbin of history, never to arise again and hurt anybody. Ah, if I could live long enough to see that day!